what was that about starting new things and being inspired to make the most out of my last few weeks? let’s not misunderstand, now.
Yes, I am feeling inspired these days. Yes, I am really diving headlong into some new(ish) activities and attitudes in the hopes of setting up a behavior pattern that I will carry with me when I leave this place and this daily structure. Yes, I am welcoming new ideas and giving them each a pretty thorough try (or at least a solid consideration).
but these are activites. these are hobbies or interests, or even ways of approaching free time (and sometimes not so free time). these new(ish) things are energetic and attitudinal. or maybe they are as concrete as the world’s tiniest guitar. but they are dependent on me. and me alone.
I am not, even remotely, interested in starting something new, in being adventurous, in taking risks and making changes in the relationships in my life.
Now is not the time. don’t. get. crazy.
I am realizing that this seems like the time for that sort of thing. for those “last opportunities for honest confessions of emotion” I spoke of recently. I congratulated myself on my lack of inclination toward the manic tendencies that occur at the crossroads of moving (going?) away and times of increased inspiration.
When someone we care about (or think we might care about! if only we had more time to figure it out!) leaves us (or we leave them), seemingly indefinitely, we want to be sure we have done all we can. We want to know that we told them how we felt. We don’t want to look back on anything with regret, right? that’s seizing the day! as we all romantically want to do.
but you know what? that’s just silly.
What good is it going to do to change it now? to confess some secret longing and hope that it is reciprocated? not a damn bit.
as far as people go, now is the time to let things be as they are. Start something new if you can take it with you. friendships can come with you. young relationships that require nurturing and growth and delicate consideration of emotion can not (usually). The moments before big changes are moments of turmoil and selfishness, not the time to bare your soul to anyone but yourself and whatever it is that drives you forward.
The thing is, if you love them, let them go. You will always have another chance to tell them and to make a shift in your relationship when the timing makes more sense. or you won’t. or that time with never come, in which case it won’t do any good to tell them now anyway.
and that’s okay. you can try again next life.