Here we are, on the down swing of my 6 month Charlottesville adventure. As I mentioned before, I think I have been here a little too long. Today that feeling is emerging from my sneaking suspicion that my Yoga practice is suffering from seasonal depression. I noted to a friend last night that I dread morning practice. That I look at the clock in the evening and visualize waking up, beginning my sadhana, trudging to the studio to allow Jennifer to watch me sympathetically as I struggle through what remains of my once dedicated and enthusiastic practice, and I want to cry. Is it the weather? The abysmal cold that seeps into bones and connective tissue? Is it the lack of light? I spent 2 hours lying in bed the other morning while the sun beat through the door to my room, with eyes closed pretending that the rising heat from the woodstove was actually coming from the star that shines so brightly, but without the same summer comfort. Or is it my lack of a schedule? My ability to do whatever I want all the time. No structure to distract from the cold, dark, stiffness that is crushing my drive to take practice.
It is ironic that the presence of this trip, my awareness of the looming certainty of uncertainty in my future, keeps me from applying structure and discipline to my life as it is now. I am living in the future. Granted, India is 10.5 (you read that right, ten point FIVE) hours ahead, so I will actually be headed back to the future, but that is no excuse. I can’t help but compare my options for practice now to what my reality will be in 17 short days, and I tell myself, “bleh… it’s not worth going crazy trying to straighten things out NOW, just wait and you won’t be able to stop the freight train of change that will soon be barreling down the track.” And it certainly doesn’t help that Kino basically said the said thing. That taking practice in Mysore will straighten things out. Watch, I’ll be the one person in the history of the institute that shows up imbalanced and manages to maintain it.
So, at least I am learning some valuable lessons from all this. I am learning that sometimes I will not be in balance. That it is okay and that change will come. But also, that if I use things (people, situations) as reasons to excuse imbalances I bring on myself, I will regret it. Sometimes (most times?) we are not going to be in the most ideal environment for having a strong and steady practice. The true test is whether we are able to maintain strength while being tested. This time, for me… fail. But that is okay. I failed because I knew that I could. I knew that I could let myself down because I will soon have 75 other inspiring yogis with me every morning in a nice warm shala and the ultimate teacher breathing down my neck to get me back in gear. I will have the energy of change that helps me thrive.
So, we’ll see how this goes. I’ll keep you posted.