Well hello, my darlings.
This blog post is going to be a more straightforward “update” about my life. Any posts titled “Day…” are going to be more direct accounts of where I am in the world and what I am doing on a day to day basis. Really sinking into the narcissism that blogging makes possible. I am sure I will still continue with the more vague posts about where I am in the universe and in my relationship to creation, but I think I will differentiate between posts where I am trying to fill you in, and posts where I am trying to work something out in my head. Now I am not sure which one is more vainglorious.
So, this week I am in Miami. Visiting Kino and Tim, hanging out on the beach or by the pool, and enjoying the company of Paola and Sean (and briefly Katie, Ty, and Kelly). Now that I have been here a few times, I am getting a pretty good feel for this city (these cities, since Miami Beach is a whole different game from Miami). and you know what? I love it here! It is like the twilight zone, everything is different from what I instinctively expect. I am seriously considering moving here after my next trip to Mysore.
On that note, here’s something of a timeline… I will be in India from Dec 28 to April 28, then heading to France/Italy/Greece with Kelley until June 28 (28 appears to be my lucky number, or possibly very unlucky…). I plan to return to Cville for what remains of the summer and into the Fall (approx 4 mo). I am then planning to head back to Mysore in November to take practice for 3 months. So… returning to the states in February of 2012? and then Miami? I imagine that a 3rd trip to India will be on the horizon at that point, so Miami might be dependent on finances and whether or not I can save the money necessary to head back winter 2012/13. I think this is more of a “plan” than I have ever had in my life I am not sure how I feel about it. But I do know that if I want this to happen, I need to be working toward it constantly.
aside: you may question this assertion and say, “but Zoe, you were in VB for 2 years, you owned a business, that’s something of a plan…” but I would tell you, and AJ would back me up -he always saw it more clearly than me- I never planned to stay, I just also never planned to leave. until I did.
This step is close enough now that people are beginning to ask me if I am “ready” or “excited.” I don’t really know that I think about it in that way. I am definitely excited, but I tend to be pretty excited about my life in general, so I don’t know that anything is really going to change there. As for ready? Sure, if I weren’t ready, it wouldn’t be happening. In terms of planning, not so much, I don’t really plan ahead, we’ll see how that goes. I have done all the really necessary stuff. In terms of emotionally, yes and no. In some ways, I wish I didn’t have to go back to Cville before leaving. I am enjoying the distance Miami gives me. I am ready to have some time alone.
My time in Cville has been great, but I think it was a little too long. With some people I built relationships based entirely on the knowledge that I would leave and maybe (probably? hopefully?) never see them again. But I let some relationships develop under the pretense that I am a reliable and considerate friend. That I won’t turn around, walk away, and never look back. But some people (somehow…) got under my skin. I can’t help wondering what they will be doing when I get back. I started vague plans for what my life in Cville will be like in July, or February (hence Miami, sabotage any plans based on people).
So, I am not ready, which is exactly why I just want to leave. I am not one for developing life long committed friendships, at least not with people that I plan to live near or talk to with any regularity (that doesn’t mean I don’t love you, I do, so much. I just don’t need to see you to know that I love you). I am not one for goodbyes (as many of you already know). I am not one to build something up and then carefully break it down and pack it away. I build it up and burn it down. and I can feel the matches in my hand. These last few weeks will be hard, it is against my nature to fade out gracefully.
I guess I like the idea of having this nearly secret way of warning people about my nature. mwah ah ah. At least it’s a step toward normal human companionship that I want to warn you. So, VB crew, know that it was not you. I love you guys so much. It was only because you are so wonderful that I was able to stay there as long as I did. and Cville crew, please don’t take it personally if I seem to have disappeared. that’s just how I roll.