Home Sweet Home

By on Jul 22, 2011 in The Unruly Ascetic, Uncategorized

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No more numbered days.  What was I counting up to, anyway?  Who knows.  Sometimes the OCD brain that inhabits my skull likes the idea of tangible beginning and ends. and then sometimes the person who inhabits the brain realizes I need to cut that shit out.
Can you believe I went to France and didn’t blog once!? I can. As will probably come as no surprise, France was fantastic (a word I am still overusing daily).  It brought about more transition and settling as only facing the unknown can.  We had quite an adventure. almost nothing went the way we planned. and the whole experience was the better for it.

Basically, I just wanted to say hi.  I was encouraged twice today (in totally separate circumstances) to continue my blogging pursuits, so here I am.  I don’t have anything profound or important to say (I really never do…) but I did want to say hi. I did want to tell you (if you are someone I don’t see often) that I am happy.  I am home.  I am busy and looking forward to leaving again!

Sometimes I think that the most important part of this whole journey has been the last few weeks here at home.  The time spent realizing that something has changed.  I am no longer fighting the fact that I don’t get to be here long.  I don’t get to be anywhere long.  I don’t get to put things off to deal with or face at some later point. 

All there is is right now. 

While I was traveling in other countries (and far outside my comfort zone) I was great at being present and experiencing each moment, while staying mildly prepared and looking forward to the next step.  Then I got home.  Something about this city makes me want to settle.  I looked forward to setting up a bedroom that wouldn’t have to be broken down when I leave in November. I looked forward to seeing great friends who I already know and don’t have to start over with.  I looked forward to biking down well known streets to well known destinations.  But that’s not how things work.  If you live out of a backpack long enough, you lose interest in unpacking.  Friends move on and sometimes don’t have the time or interest in fitting you into their lives for only a few months. Well known streets and destinations change.

I was talking to a fairly new friend today and I realized during our discussion that I am still traveling.  Maybe I happen to be in a place I have been a number of times before, so I am able to get a job and a room that doesn’t change, but I am still on the road.  I can’t expect to fit back into a puzzle when not only my piece, but the puzzle itself has changed.

and that’s okay.
It doesn’t make me sad.  It doesn’t hurt my feelings. I love it. 

It means that even this place that I have known and loved so well can be new and challenging.  In some ways, the biggest challenge is figuring out how to fit with people who are more steady.  Realizing that even though I love my friends here, I will leave them and there might not be room for me in their lives when I come back. But also realizing that my real friends and family are not centrally located anymore. Learning how to love people who I don’t get to see. Missing great friends who are worlds away.

and that’s okay.
and that doesn’t mean I will stop loving them.

Sometimes the time comes when you have to let go.  If you try really hard to resist change, you can get these times down to a minimum, but they will be harder and more painful.  When I embrace the change, the never ending cycle and the inevitability of loss (and gain), then it rarely hurts.  I am great at saying goodbye.  I have gotten great at walking away and letting go.  But I am also great at loving people I can’t see.  Loving people I can’t even tell.  Just because you let something go into order to have space for something new, doesn’t mean you have to stop cherishing it for what it was.

So, to everyone I have ever loved, I love you now.  I will always love you.  
Even if I never see you again and can never tell you in person, trust that I love you, more than you can know.

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